How Long Will I Love You
by Januarydensi
Summary: A DENSI AU STORY. How can he let her go when she isn't even his in the first place?
1. Chapter 1

A little summary: Kensi, Deeks and Jack. Three lifelong friends. Deeks and Jack both fell in love with Kensi. How will it affect their friendship?

* * *

Disclaimer: NCIS Los Angeles and its characters aren't mine.

* * *

'She looks beautiful.' Deeks thought on the woman who caught his eyes as soon as he entered.

In a room filled with people, she was standing out in her white satin halter evening dress. Her black hair was in a French twist pinned with several crystals, some hair stands were meticulously put to frame her face. She was wearing little to none make up. She looked like a goddess, he noticed. Not that he never saw her as such. Deeks knew ever since he laid his eyes on her 20 years ago, she'll grow up to be the prettiest woman he will ever see. Silly thought of an 8 year old boy back then to a girl 2 years his junior.

"Isn't she remarkable?"

A voice broke him out of his reverie. He looked back and saw a dark haired man, taller than him, standing, staring at the same woman who had his attention.

His face brightened. "Jack!"

"Deeks!"

They shared a brotherly hug, the way they used to do since they were young because that was what they were, brothers. It wasn't because they were of the same blood or genes. They did not have that kind of connection but they were brothers at heart.

"How's the flight?" Jack asked him.

He shrugged his shoulders to answer, dismissing the question.

Jack laughed a little, not offended with him in any way. "I'm glad you made it given the short notice."

A week ago, Deeks got a call from his mother telling him of the good news. Finally, his two best friends were getting married and a party will be held in celebration of their engagement. Of course, his presence was required. Thinking of his lifelong friends, he wasn't surprised to learn that the two were about to tie the knot. He knew the couple very well, he was a witness when they began their relationship.

"Congratulations!" He offered in an excited tone, hiding the little insincerity he was feeling at the moment.

Jack patted his shoulder. "Thanks man. Does she know you are here? She'll be happy to see you."

He shook his head. "I haven't had a chance to greet her yet." Deeks answered truthfully. Since he arrived late last night, he never had a time to see her.

Jack eyed him curiously. It was unusual for his friend not to see his fiancée after being gone for years. The two were close, very close.

"Now you do."

It wasn't Jack's voice. It was hers. Deeks need not to see who she was. He had not heard or seen her for 4 years but it didn't mean that he had forgotten everything about her. Her voice, the softest he had ever heard. Her smile, the sweetest smile for him. Her eyes, the most expressive hazels he will not tire looking at.

Turning to her, Deeks was welcomed with a beaming Kensi, the woman who just seconds ago was the subject of his attention.

"Kensalina." He greeted the woman using his nickname for her. He took a step forward and enclosed her in a hug.

"Deeks." She whispered his name.

Gently, he let her go.

They just stood there, staring at each other, barely aware of their surroundings.

* * *

Kensi felt that she was being watched. Roaming her eyes around, she saw Deeks on the corner. His baby blues were staring at her intently, his face was unreadable.

"Are you alright?"

Startled at the voice, she turned to the man standing next to her, giving him a small smile. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I insisted on having this. I know you never wanted a party and are probably tired from work. I thought-"

"Jack." She placed a finger on his lips, stopping him from rambling. "I love you and I'm marrying you. I want the people to know that. Thank you for this. It's perfect."

Her fiancé's face brightened at her words.

"Oh!" She cried in surprise when Jack pulled her closer to him, his one arm hugged her waist tighter while the other cupped her face.

"I love you, Kensi." He mumbled.

Before Kensi can reply, his lips landed on hers.

Their kiss went on, deeply and passionately. The guests were cheering at them, obviously happy for the newly engaged couple.

Deeks turned his back to them. He needed to get out of there. His knees were weakening. His eyes were burning. His chest was tightening. He thought he can do it but he knew now that he can't. Afraid that someone might notice his indifference, he began stepping away from them and made his way outside. As he passed through the door, he didn't see Kensi's eyes following his movement, trace of grief passed her face.

* * *

Opening another can of beer, Deeks quickly swallowed its content.

'Since when seeing your two best friends making out becomes unbearable?' He questioned himself.

They were a couple, kissing was part of every relationship. And this was not the first time he had seen them doing it and he was pretty sure they do more than lip locking. He shook his head trying to get rid of the unwarranted image of Kensi and Jack in his mind. He didn't want to go there. But it hurt. It hurt so badly. He threw the empty can on the center table, hoping he can drove his misery away with it too.

After he left the restaurant, where the party was being held, without so much of a word to anyone, Deeks went home. He couldn't think of a place to go. All his closest friends were with Kensi and Jack, celebrating with them.

He settled himself on the living room, with six packs within an arm's reach, TV opened and playing some movie.

"Son?"

He turned to see his mother sitting beside him, he didn't realize she could still be awake given this time of night.

"I'm sorry. Did I disturb you?" He asked in concern.

She shook her head and gave her an understanding smile. Opening her arms wide, she comprehended what her son badly needed. Deeks fell on his mother's embrace, his head on her shoulder. A small sob escaped his lips.

"It's okay." She said in a hushed tone, her hand was caressing his hair gently. Roberta's heart ached for her son, knowing what he was going through.

"M-mom, I love her. I love her so much." He whispered as endless tears fell from his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

20 years ago

Deeks was on his way to Jack Simon's house, it was the latter's birthday that day. Jack's parents threw him a party and invited some of his friends and teachers from school.

Deeks' mother escorted him but couldn't join him for she had to work. Instead, she will pick him up when it's over. It wasn't news for him and he understood. Unlike Jack, who both had his parents with him, he only had his mom. Deeks didn't know what happened to his father. All his mother said was he left and will never be back. Despite feeling sad on some occasions, he was okay with it and was still grateful that he had a mom who was doing her very best for him.

He was carrying his gift for his friend his mother bought yesterday and was about a step away from the Simon's front door when he heard a cry. Looking around and not seeing anyone, he decided to ignore it. He was about to knock when he heard the cry again. This time it was louder and longer and was coming from behind the bushes beside the house.

"Hello." He said as he took a step closer to where the voice was from.

The crying stopped but Deeks continued searching for it.

'Maybe it's a wounded dog.' His young mind speculated, feeling hopeful and excited for what he was about to see.

When he reached the spot where he last made out the cry, he got the surprise of his lifetime. Staring back at him was the prettiest hazel eyes he had ever seen. Well, for an 8 year old, he had not seen a lot. But he was sure the young girl's eyes topped his chart. He studied her immediately. Her hair was dark and long and tied with a white ribbon, her dress was pale yellow and it suited her. He thought of Belle from Beauty and the Beast, the cartoon he accidentally saw on TV when he was browsing the channels the other day. She looked like a princess, he concluded.

"Are you alright?" Suddenly, he became very concern that she might be hurt.

The girl wiped her face with her small hands, making her tears spread around and messed her cheeks more. "I'm fine." She rolled her eyes at him much to his amusement.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying."

"My mother told me it's bad to lie."

The girl pouted her lips. "I miss my dad."

"Where is he?"

"Away." She whispered.

Deeks felt empathic towards her. "I don't have a daddy too. He left and won't be coming back."

"Mine will be back, he promised me."

He smiled. "Then you shouldn't be crying. He will not be happy if he comes back and sees you all puffy and red."

He was caught in surprise when she bolted right up and punched him on the arm. "Ouch! What's that for?" He asked, running his hand on the pained area.

"I'm not puffy and red!" She shouted and started to run away from him.

"Hey!" He wanted to call her name but he didn't know who she was.

The young girl stopped and eyed him carefully.

"W-what's your name?" He asked shyly.

She smiled at him. "Kensi."

"Kensi." He mumbled her name to memorize it. "I'm Marty Deeks."

"Thank you Deeks." She said, waved him goodbye before cautiously crossing the street.

He was left mesmerized by the princess-looking 6 year old he just met.

* * *

After two weeks, Deeks and Jack were busy playing basketball on the Simon's front yard. It was a Saturday so homework was out of the plate.

"Watch and learn." He uttered boastfully. Deeks was about to throw the ball in the hoop when he heard his friend's voice.

"Wait." Jack left him quickly to cross the street.

He looked at his friend and saw him talking to the girl he met weeks ago. "Kensi." He put the ball down and followed Jack.

"Have you tasted my mom's cake?" Deeks heard him say.

Kensi nodded happily. "Yes. It was good."

Jack's face beamed at her answer and Deeks can only watch them. Several exchanged words after, Kensi finally noticed him standing beside Jack.

"Deeks." She greeted him.

His feeling left out moments ago melted all of a sudden when he saw her smile at him. "Hi."

"Kensi meet my best friend, Marty." Jack introduced them to each other.

"I know him." It was Kensi who answered.

Jack was stunned at her revelation and was about to question his friend when he heard her again.

"I saw you playing basketball. Can I join?"

"No, my dear." It was Julia, Kensi's mom, who answered her.

Kensi pouted her lips and was about to argue when she heard Jack.

"Good morning, Mrs. Blye."

Julia smiled affectionately towards the boy. "Good morning to you too, Jack. Please thank your mother for me. Her cake was the best. Both Kensi and I loved it."

"I will, Ma'am. Please meet my best friend, Marty. We're classmates since preschool."

"Hi Marty."

"Deeks!" Kensi blurted out. Julia and Jack gazed at her inquiringly. Deeks stifled a laugh. "His name is Deeks."

"Hi Deeks." Julia greeted him.

"Please to meet you, Ma'am."

"Kensi and I are about to have our morning snack, I made spaghetti. Would the two of you gentlemen like to join us?"

Both boys drooled thinking of spaghetti. They nodded enthusiastically.

"I think I need to call you Deeks from now on." Jack teased him before entering the Blye's house following the mother and daughter.

"Oh, Man!" He whined.


	3. Chapter 3

He just went out from the house when he heard her speak.

"You know I asked him to marry me." Kensi said so heedlessly that Deeks thought she was joking, he snorted.

But when he saw her face looking at him seriously, he stopped and took a seat beside her.

Deeks woke up minutes ago from a banging sound on the door. He slept late last night after crying on his mother's hold. It helped, the shedding of tears in some way removed the heaviness he was feeling. He had become so good at hiding his true emotions, Deeks knew he just had to work a little hard this time until his return to LA in two weeks.

The knock wouldn't stop so forcing himself out from the bed, he went downstairs to open the door. He assumed his mother had long been gone to work and he was left alone in their home. With the continued knocks, Deeks opened the door fast. Standing outside was Kensi, smiling at him hesitantly. She dropped by to talk to him. He offered her to come inside while he fix himself but she refused. Instead she sat on the front porch swing and told him she would wait for him.

She smirked seeing his reaction. "Of course it happened after I declined his proposal three times, Deeks." After rolling her eyes at him, she explained. "Do you remember what you said when I told you Jack asked me to be his girlfriend?" She smiled when he saw him nod. "You believed I deserve the best. And if there's one person who will never hurt me, it's him."

He remained silent but recalled that particular moment.

* * *

 _Deeks stood up straight from his seat on the couch when he saw Kensi marching towards him fast. He was busy watching TV when he heard the loud thud of the door opening. Before he can ask her what's wrong, her closed fist landed on his unprepared arm._

" _Ouch! What did I do now?" He complained while rubbing his arm. It had become a habit for her to hit him everytime she was frustrated or angry at him._

" _That's for hurting Elsa!" She bellowed, teeth gritting in anger. "And this," She punched his opposite arm. "For making her hate me now!"_

" _Ouch!"_

 _Kensi's eyes were throwing fire but to his disbelief, he saw tears streaked her face. "How could you do that to her? She likes you!" She yelled in between sniffs. "You told me you might feel the same way for her too. What happened, Deeks?! Why date her only to hurt her?! She said you broke up with her for no reason. Why?!" She stopped and glared at him, waiting for his response._

 _He ran his fingers through his hair in discomfort. Deeks knew she will hate him for what he did to her friend but he couldn't tell her the only reason he dated Elsa to begin with was her. He really never liked the blonde girl, it wasn't that he didn't find her attractive with her pretty face and porcelain skin but he had learned long ago with whom his heart really belonged._

 _But when Kensi opened up the idea a month ago that he ask her friend out, Deeks did just like that. Simply because he saw how it made her cheery and thrilled. The glittering of her eyes put Deeks in a crossroad for a minute. All he wanted to be was the one to make her happy, the one to put a smile on her lips. He will do anything for her even pretend to like her friend._

 _It was stupid, he thought of it now seeing that in the end it only made her cry._

 _When she grew tired of his silence, she continued in a calmer tone now. "I know you've had girlfriends before her, Deeks. I saw how it all ended with them crying."_

 _He winced at her statement knowing the truthfulness of it. Kensi witnessed each and every failed relationships he had. He was no angel. He tried dating several girls, hoping to get rid of what he was feeling for her. There were even instances when he thought he was falling in love with his then girlfriend only to realize that he couldn't forget how he feels for his friend._

" _I never said a thing whenever you broke up with any of them. But Elsa is my friend. I... I just thought this time it'll be different, Deeks."_

 _"I'm sorry."_

 _Kensi shook her head. "No! You don't understand. You should have seen how heartbroken she is. She really likes you and you hurt her." She chided. "And it scares me, Deeks." She wiped her tears and eyed him. "What if it happens to me? What if I give my heart to someone only to get hurt in the end?"_

 _"Kensi..."_

 _She let out a sigh. "Do you know Jack asked me to be his girlfriend?"_

 _Deeks felt his world had stopped. 'So he told her then.' He said to himself. He knew all about it, Jack spoke to him of his feelings for Kensi and his plan on admitting it to her. Thinking about the conversation he had with him, he thought he already prepared himself for it, he was mistaken. Feeling speechless, he just nodded._

 _A sad smile formed on her lips when she saw his affirmation. "Of course, he told you." She slumped on the sofa, head bowed down. "He said he likes me. But I don't know, Deeks. I'm scared."_

 _Never in his 18 years of existence had he seen Kensi this vulnerable. She was bold and brave, never meek. He kneeled before her, placing his thumb and forefinger on her chin, lifting her head to face him. "Look at me." He said softly, and when her eyes met his, Deeks wanted to back down from what he was about to do. "You deserve the best, Kensi." He hesitated but felt the need to continue. "J-Jack... He really cares for you. More than you know. And if there's one person who will never hurt you, i-it's him."_

 _Deeks felt like a masochist knowing what he just did was the last thing he really craved to do. But he was honest with her when he told her those words. Kensi deserved Jack. He was the best man for her. Jack could give her more, more than what Deeks can provide for her. They were perfect for each other, as if they were born to be together. Both came from good families, both shared the same hobbies and interests and they even wanted to take the same course after graduation._

 _He was not the only person who saw their potential. Deek can see how both the Simons and Blyes wanted their children to end up together. Since the Blyes moved across the Simons, the two families became friends and were now very close. He was very much aware of the way they were pushing, although very discreetly, Kensi and Jack to be closer. The only oblivious to their parents' matchmaking mission were Kensi and Jack._

 _But Deeks knew Jack didn't need a push for he had a crush on her since they were young. Maybe because the three of them grew up together or he was extra sensitive to Kensi's well-being, he saw it every time Jack would look at her and the extra attention he was giving her. He knew it was only a matter of time before his best friend will confess. What came out of the blue and left him unprepared was what Jack had asked from him several days ago._

 _Kensi, even if she was still mad, managed to give him a smile. A smile that meant she trusted his words._

 _It was then that Deeks knew, she will never be his._

 _A week later, Kensi and Jack became a couple._

* * *

"You are right, do you know that?" Kensi's words brought him back to reality. "Jack never hurt me. I don't think he can even a hurt a fly. He is just... perfect. I can't think of a man as great as him."

Deeks felt pained with how she described her fiancé, wishing she thought about him that way too.

"But after declining his proposal for the third time, I felt bad. He doesn't deserve my rejections. Any of it."

"A person can only do so much for the one he loves." He said but felt the opposite. Deep inside, he knew he was willing to do everything for her.

Kensi shook her head to disagree. "Not Jack. I expected him to give up, to throw the past ten years of our lives away. But he didn't. He was just standing there, looking at me like I am the only woman he sees. He told me not to worry because he will not leave, he will wait for me till I'm ready. It was then I hated myself more than before." She turned to him. "How can I hurt the only person who without a doubt loves me more than himself? How can I let myself hurt him that much when all he does is love me?"

She took a pause and looked away from him, settling her eyes on the green grass of the lawn. "Because of you."

"K-Kensi..." Deeks felt his world had stopped.

"I came to LA last month to see you, Deeks. I... I'm tired of waiting. I can no longer put my life on hold for you. I've been doing that since you left. Silly me for thinking what you admitted to me _that night_ will not change because when I was about to knock on your door, I saw her. I didn't know you still had a thing for blondes, Deeks." She joked dryly.

Deeks' jaw dropped at her revelation. She was in LA. She went to see him. How can he not know it? Where was he? Who was the blonde girl she was talking about? Deeks didn't have a girlfriend, which he was sure of.

"Kens-"

Kensi stood up and gazed at him. With finality in her voice, she said. "I'm marrying Jack. I love him, maybe not as much as I love you. But like you said, I deserve the best."

Deeks can only watch her walk away from him.


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as she slumped herself on the driver's seat of her car, Kensi let go of the tears she had been holding since she turned her back away from him. She didn't bother wiping them knowing there were more to come, she started the engine and drove away, catching a glimpse of Deeks still sitting on the swing with a faraway look on his face. She should be happy she had done it, she said goodbye to a love that never happened. But why was she in pain?

Kensi and Deeks. Deeks and Kensi. A love story that didn't even get to the first chapter, she thought sadly.

She couldn't help but remember the night before he left 4 years ago.

* * *

" _Deeks are you in here?!" She didn't bother knocking knowing she was always welcome inside the Deeks household anyway._

 _Growing up with him and Jack, her boyfriend of 6 years, Kensi was very familiar with both of their homes and was never treated unwanted by their families and so were the two on hers. Her parents considered Deeks and Jack just like the twin sons, one was blonde the other was dark haired, they never had for she was an only child._

 _The friendship the three of them have often times caused some weird reactions from the people who see them. Growing up with two older boys, Kensi was sometimes reputed to be a tomboy. Her reaction? Laugh. She was very certain of her preference and it never bothered her what others think of them. She adored Deeks and Jack and was questioned from time to time who she likes the most. Her answer? Both. Kensi wouldn't choose either of them. Or so she thought._

 _When she turned 16, Jack confessed that he likes her more than a friend and wanted her to be his girlfriend. It didn't shock Kensi, she was not ignorant to the extra attention he was throwing at her recently._

 _Jack had always been the caring one, he always speaks softly, and does things gently. Kensi admired that traits of him. Having Jack in her life was like having something so constant. Amidst all the chaos you have, you can always rely on him and he will do everything to make sure you are alright. That's Jack for her._

 _So when she thought of his offer, it terrified her. Unlike Deeks, both Kensi and Jack never had previous relationships. They have been very careful in falling in love. For them, relationship should be treated genuinely, much to their blonde haired best friend's hilarity. She clearly remembered how Deeks laughed at them when they shared their view on the matter of the heart._

 _Deeks. Her loud, flamboyant and brash best friend. Kensi repeatedly wondered how he and Jack were even friends, they were opposites. The only common thing they shared aside from basketball and their age, was her. Although they never fought physically, which she thanked God for it, they argued like husband and wife, she jested whenever she was placed in the middle of their argument. But what Kensi saw was their respect for each other. Deeks may be gaudy to Jack's reserved attitude, but she can tell that he admired him and vice versa._

 _Thus his words about Jack made her reconsider._

 _And now, 6 years later, Kensi and Jack were as strong as ever._

" _Deeks?" She called his name again when she got no reply._

 _She heard some hustling sound upstairs and was a little hesitant if she would go there. But her concern for her friend wanted her to make sure he was okay. Kensi cautiously took the stairs, she can hear voices, a man and a woman, and they were getting louder as she near Deeks' bedroom._

 _Kensi knew she should have stopped, eavesdropping on your best friend was an offense in the friendship manual. She didn't know what got into her because instead of going back downstairs, she found herself standing right outside the door and she can now made out everything clearly._

" _How dare you!" A woman yelled from the inside followed by a familiar man's voice._

" _It's not what you think, Kim."_

 _Kensi's brows furrowed, how come she didn't know Deeks had a girlfriend. Why wasn't she told? Did Jack know about that Kim? She'll ask him when he comes back from his conference tomorrow, she resolved._

 _She shrugged her shoulders and proceeded to leave the house to come back later. It was only a lover's quarrel, she concluded and knew she need not to be caught listening to it. What she heard next froze her in place._

" _Did you just call me 'Kensi' while having sex with me?! Don't you think I didn't know about your undying love for your best friend, Deeks? It was, Kensi does this, Kensi does that, Kensi likes this, she loves that. Everything is all about her! I haven't even met her yet but I know I'll hate her." Kim's voice was full of loathing._

 _There was no reply from her best friend but she can hear movements. She wanted to leave immediately but she couldn't move, her feet felt like they were nailed to the floor._

 _Moments later, everything seemed to stop. Then she heard Kim again, the disgust on her voice didn't falter as she spoke. "Does her boyfriend knows? What's his name? Jack, right? He's your best friend too if I remember correctly. Does he knows how you fancy his girlfriend? Does he knows that you are so deeply in love with her that you are calling her name while inside another woman? How about Kensi? Do you think she is that naïve not to notice your feelings for her? What do you think will happen if they found out, Deeks?" Kim let out a bitter laugh. "I really wanted to be there when they do just to see your face but I don't have time for it. Don't worry, I won't tell a single soul. I'll leave you and your pathetic excuse for a life alone! I don't need your drama!"_

 _It was too late for Kensi, the door opened and came out a disheveled looking woman, her hair was a mess and her clothes were carelessly put on. The woman saw her and for a moment stopped, gawked at her from head to toe before casting an angry yet conceited look at Deeks, who was standing motionless inside. His eyes were now on Kensi, panic was written all over his face._

" _Guess now you'll know." Kim's final words to him before running downstairs._

 _Kensi heard the sound of a car's engine not long after._

 _Silence fell over the two. Neither one wanted to speak. Deeks was looking at her but she found the tiles on the floor more interesting._

 _From the corner of her eyes she saw him combed his hair with his fingers. Kensi knew he was agitated. He always did that whenever he was feeling tense._

" _K-Kensi-"_

 _It was then she decided to leave. Hastily, Kensi stormed out of the house, disregarding Deeks' frantic calls. She had forgotten her car and was walking briskly on the street. She wanted to go home, Jack will call any moment now. He'll get worried if he didn't hear her voice. 'Walk fast, Kensi.' She told herself._

 _A hand grabbed her arm, halting her steps._

" _Let go of me!" She yelled knowing who it was._

" _Kensi- " Before he can continue, a palm landed on his cheek._ _Deeks felt the burn of her slap but he ignored it. "Kens-"_

 _She was about to hit him again but he caught her wrist._

" _H-How could you?!"_

 _He closed his eyes, not wanting to see her tears. "I-I'm sorry." He whispered, letting go of her hand._

 _Kensi was gasping, her mind was whirling. She didn't know what to feel. "For how long?"_

" _I don't know." He shook his head helplessly._

" _For how long, Deeks?"_

" _Why does it matter, Kensi?"_

" _I want to kno-"_

" _Since forever!" He bellowed. "Do you really want to know? I've loved you since forever, Kensi. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. I didn't know it was love back then but the moment I saw your tear-streaked face, I know my life will never be the same again. I'm not sorry that I love you, that I feel this way about you. I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to fight for you, that I wasn't brave enough to tell you sooner. I'm sorry you have to find out this way."_

" _Why didn't you tell me before?"_

" _It wouldn't make any difference, Kensi. I'm not the man for you. You are far better off with him." Deeks answered weakly._

 _It was Kensi's turn to snap. "All this time, you always acted like you know me, like you discerned what's best for me. You don't know anything about me, Deeks" She shook her head sadly, wiping her tears away at the same time. "Do you know if you just told me, I will choose you? That I will follow my heart because it's dying to be with you and will fight against my mind because it knows I'm only going to get hurt?"_

 _He looked at her in disbelief._

 _Bitterly, she smiled. "Yes. My stupid heart wants you. But you're right, you are not the man for me. I don't need someone who can't fight for me. I don't need a man who would rather hide his feelings than confront it." Kensi took a deep breath to try to keep all her emotions at bay. "Jack doesn't need to know about this. Forget how you feel about me, Deeks."_

" _If that's even possible, I would have done it sooner."_

 _She knew he was right, she tried doing that countless times already but failed every time._

" _Then make it possible now! Jack doesn't deserve his best friend's betrayal. He trusts you."_

" _And what about you, huh? You said your heart belongs to me, are you going to continue pretending that you love him? Are you sure it's the best for all of us, Kensi? Live our lives with lies?"_

" _I love Jack, I never said that I don't. He's not you. I know he will never be you but he makes me happy. He loves me, Deeks. If you can't do what I am asking you to, I don't think it's wise for us to continue being friends."_

* * *

The painful recollection of that night brought Kensi into more tears while driving. That was the last time she talked to him because Deeks left the town the morning after. She hadn't heard a word from him since then, not even a visit. 3 months later, Roberta got a news from him that she happily shared to her son's best friends. Deeks had been busy training to be a cop in LA and was living alright. Although surprised at his sudden change of career, Kensi was glad that he had found what he really wanted to do. He always seemed to be lost on what he truly desired.

Deeks was never seen back in their small town, not even a visit to his mother. It was always Roberta who went to LA to see his son. It was as if he had forgotten their town and everything on it, including her. But Kensi knew better. It was his response on their last conversation.

On Kensi's part, she continued her relationship with Jack and tried to be the best girlfriend for him. Two months after Deeks left, Jack proposed marriage for the first time. She declined but asked him that they live together. They bought a house near their parents' and were living there since then.

After Jack's third failed proposal, Kensi questioned herself what was wrong with her. She had the perfect guy offering her a life others were only dreaming of but she kept saying no. She then realized that she was waiting for him all along. The man she hadn't seen in years but never left her heart, not for a moment. She was doomed, she knew it. Years had passed but nothing changed and Kensi discerned nothing will. Her heart will always belong to Deeks.

Without telling anyone, Kensi went to LA. She convinced herself that she only wanted to see him but deep inside she sought to talk to him. She was tired of waiting for his return. Tired of thinking the 'what ifs'. What if they were brave enough to fight for their feelings? What if they were selfish enough not to think of the people who might get hurt when they get together? Just this once, she didn't want to rationalize her action. She wanted to do what her heart needs without thinking twice.

She arrived late afternoon to his address given to her by Roberta. She was about to knock but to her surprise it opened and a blonde woman, still wet from the shower she perceived, was standing in front of her, eyeing her with interest. Kensi panicked when she heard Deeks' voice from the inside.

Abruptly and without a word, she left Deeks' home and went straight to the airport. She took the next flight out of LA and back to the waiting arms of Jack. She had her answer, Kensi should be okay now. She need not to worry about him. Clearly, Deeks was happy. He found a place in LA he can call home and was now a cop, a job he actually aspired. He had moved on and she needed too.

It took her almost 2 weeks to find the courage to ask Jack to marry her. He was beyond astonished and was speechless for a minute. Kneeling on his front and waiting for his answer, Kensi had never felt that terrified in her life. She was afraid that she hurt him too much that he would say no like she had done more than once previously. But to her shock, he took her in his arms, gave her the tightest hug and kissed her fervently. They were almost out of breath when they parted. With tears both on their faces, he said yes.

Kensi vowed that day to love Jack as best as she could. She knew it will not compare on how she felt for Deeks, nothing will, but Jack was her future. She would do anything to make him happy and would give anything to show him that she was worthy of his love.

Driving from Deeks' house and towards the local museum where she was working as an art curator, Kensi was too focused on the memories that she didn't see from the back view mirror of her car the uncontrolled SUV running after her. The SUV collided on the rear end of her car.


	5. Chapter 5

Jack was running fast to the emergency room of the hospital where he was working on his residency, his heart was beating faster than usual at the news he received. Kensi was involved in a car accident and was currently in there. After passing his work to a colleague, he rushed to where she was.

He stopped at the entrance as he wander his eyes around. Seeing her instantly, he let out a sigh of relief taking in her condition. His fiancée was sitting on the bed, a hand on her neck, talking to a nurse. Jack couldn't help but listen to her. It didn't surprise him to hear that she was insisting she was fine, need not to stay there a minute longer and there was no reason to call him. She even asked the distressed nurse to just give her prescription for painkiller. He was fighting the urge to laugh at how Kensi was being ridiculous. Jack found it weirdly interesting that for a woman who was engaged and would soon be married to a doctor, she never liked hospitals. She had told him about that when they were talking about what course to take after high school with Deeks.

His eyes turned to the man standing quietly beside Kensi, gazing at her worriedly. His brows furrowed seeing him with her, not that the scenario was new to him. But Deeks had been gone for years and just came back. Studying his best friend, Jack could tell that he was anxious, obviously concerned for her.

"Jack!" Kensi cried his name, seeing him standing not far from them.

He stepped close to her. "What happened? Are you hurt?" Jack asked her worriedly, immediately searching her for any physical injury or wound.

"An SUV collided on the rear end of her car." It was Deeks who answered.

Jack looked at him and they exchanged greetings.

"I'm fine. My neck hurts a little, no need to worry. I asked them not to call you and just prescribe something for the pain." She said, giving a pointed look to the nurse.

The poor woman replied. "Dr. Swanson haven't checked her out yet. And I already told her I am not allowed to prescribe anything nor give her a good to go."

Jack provided her an understanding smile. "It's okay, I'll take it from here. Thank you."

The nurse nodded before leaving them.

"I have to examine you, hon'." He said, smiling at her when she rolled her eyes hearing his use of their endearment.

"Oka-" She tried to move her head but yelped when she felt pain shoot on her neck. "Ouch!"

Jack quickly went into doctor mode and quickly examined his fiancée.

Deeks was watching the couple with envy. His mind was telling him to leave, seeing she was now being treated not just by any doctor but her very own fiancé but his heart wanted to make sure nothing was seriously wrong with her.

He can feel his heartbeat slowly returning to normal now. Deeks closed his eyes trying to get rid of the image that was stamped in his mind when he saw Kensi's car with the SUV on its back in the middle of the road.

* * *

 _He was driving speedily, trying to catch her. It took him several minutes before he remembered who the blonde woman Kensi was talking about. She had already left but if he can reach her soon, he can explain to her that she misunderstood what she saw._

 _It was Grace, his partner. Just a partner. Nothing more. Nothing less. The blonde woman was in his apartment to clean herself. They just got back from an undercover mission. It was already late in the afternoon and Grace had to meet her boyfriend at the airport in half an hour so he offered his place for her to get ready since it was nearer than hers. She was the only woman who had been in his apartment, Deeks clearly remembered._

 _Kensi mistook her as something more. He couldn't blame her though. She knew him. But he had changed. He was done with casual flings and one night stands._

 _After his last conversation with her, Deeks realized that he cannot do what she wanted him to. He can't just forget how he feels for her. So he opted to leave. Seeing her and being with her but only as her best friend had been torture enough to Deeks for years but he didn't mind. Despite that it broke his heart, he'd rather have that role in her life than nothing at all. But knowing that she feels the same way too yet chose to be with Jack pushed him to the edge._

 _He was a coward, always had been, always will be. If he said no to what Jack had asked from him, Deeks knew things would have been different. Kensi would be his, his girlfriend, his fiancée. They were the one getting married, not her and Jack. It's supposed to be Kensi and Deeks, Deeks and Kensi. If things have been different, he thought._

 _But he already made the decision. Jack didn't force him, he asked but didn't demand. It was all Deeks' doing. When he agreed to Jack he knew he would get hurt. What he didn't know was he would prefer Jack letting him die when he was drowning on a lake 12 years ago than to be saved by him only to be asked to give up the only woman he loved in return._

 _His reminiscing stopped when the scene before him caught his attention. In the middle of the road was Kensi's car, an SUV on its rear. Deeks, who almost forgot to park his car before rushing towards his best friend, raced to her with his maximum speed._

 _"Kensi!" He shouted. "Kensi!"_

 _He saw an old man, he assumed was the SUV driver, behind the car's driver seat, checking on her._

 _"H-How is she?" He asked._

 _"D-Deeks?"_

 _Deeks saw her and promptly studied her condition. She looked pale but lucid. He didn't see any wound or tear on her. "How do you feel?"_

 _"I'm fi-" She winced when she tried to move._

 _"Where are you hurt? Tell me."_

 _Kensi, as stubborn as she had always been, tried to talk her way out of going to the hospital but Deeks was adamant that she goes._

 _After giving her statement to the responding police officer and all the necessary steps have been taken, he brought her to the hospital for treatment. Her car will be towed and put in a workshop for repairs._

 _Deeks purposely forgot his reason for following her, he focused on her welfare instead. Nothing was more important for him than making sure she was alright._

 _"We'll be in St. Agnes soon." He announced._

 _"Please bring me to Mercy Gen, Deeks."_

 _"Why?" He asked in confusion. Mercy General Hospital was an additional 5 minute drive, why would she choose that place?_

 _"Jack is there."_

 _'Of course.' He almost forgot. She would prefer that Jack treat her, he was after all a doctor._

* * *

"It's a whiplash." Jack's voice brought him back to reality. "You have to wear a foam collar to keep your neck stable, hon'. I'll prescribe painkillers for you to take. The pain will be gone in a few days but tell me if you feel different. I advise that you take a leave of absence from your work for today. You need to rest, hon', so go home."

"Okay."

Deeks' eyes followed Jack as the man carefully placed a foam collar on her neck before wrapping his arms around her gently.

"You scared me." Jack whispered on her hair, kissing it lightly.

Deeks couldn't watch any longer. He bowed his head down, choosing to stare at his shoes instead.

"Deeks."

He then lifted his head up when Jack called his name.

"Thank you for insisting in bringing her here. We both know this isn't her favorite place."

"No need to thank me. I'm just glad that I was there." It was too late now, Jack was now looking at him inquiringly obviously needing some explanation as to why or how he was there so conveniently.

"I-I went to his place to talk to him before going to the museum." Kensi was the one who replied. But she too threw Deeks a questioning look. It wasn't clear to her how Deeks was able to help her when she left him on the swing in his home before the accident.

With 2 pairs of eyes on him, Deeks began explaining. "There's something I need to tell you." He said to Kensi.

Kensi suddenly became uncomfortable and it didn't go unnotice to Jack who turned to his best friend.

"Anyhow, I'm grateful that you were there, Deeks." Jack said. "And if you can, can you bring Kensi home?"

Before Deeks can answer, Kensi quickly argued. "There's no need for Deeks to do that, Jack. I can take a cab."

Jack placed his hands on her shoulders and gazed at her lovingly. "I want to go home with you right now but you know I can't leave. For my peace of mind, please hon', let Deeks take you home. I'm sure you both have a lot of things to catch up on."

Kensi reluctantly agreed.

Jack's face brightened. "That's my girl." He kissed her forehead. "I'll call you to check on you."

"I'll see you tonight. I love you." Kensi uttered as she pressed her lips on his.

"I love you." Jack whispered before turning to Deeks. "Deeks?"

"No need to worry."

The two best friends shook hands. "Thank you."

* * *

"You have a nice place." Deeks complimented the place Kensi and Jack called home as he was invited in.

It was a simple two bedroom bungalow, perfect for a couple who was starting a family. The inside was equipped with unsophisticated yet modern furniture. Deeks noticed several pictures of Kensi and Jack pasted on one wall. He walked towards it and examined them. There were some of it he remembered, others he even took himself, there were also new photographs that were perhaps taken after he left.

In all those pictures, he could see how happy she was and it brought a painful knot in his chest.

"Deeks." Kensi whispered his name.

"You went to Great Wall of China?" He asked. His eyes on the picture of his best friends, smiling with arms around each other, behind them was the Great Wall.

"Yeah, two years ago. Jack had a seminar there, I just tagged along."

Deeks wanted to begin explaining to Kensi about Grace but he was hesitating. When he looked around their home, he could see how fixed everything in her life with Jack now. Soon she'll be Mrs. Jack Simon. She was where she was meant to be and with whom she was bound to be with.

What was he hoping if she learned that all this time, it had always been her and without a doubt will always be her? What about Jack, his best friend? Deeks couldn't, wouldn't, mess their lives. Suddenly, he became unsure.

"Thank you." Kensi said, motioning for him to join her on the couch. "For being at the right place at the right time today."

"You're welcome." He smiled as he sat with her.

"Are you happy? I mean, with your job as a cop? With the life you built in LA?" _With her?_ Kensi wanted to add that to her questions but decided not to.

"My job is hard and dangerous but I like doing it. My life... I'm getting there."

"When we found out that you're training to be a cop, Jack and I were both surprised. You're a lawyer here. They are two different things. We are happy for you though. I can tell Roberta's very pr-"

"It's Grace." Deeks all of a sudden blurted out. He saw Kensi looked at her inquiringly. "The blonde woman you saw... her name is Grace. She is my... partner. She was there to clean herself before meeting her boyfriend. I was just helping a friend."

He watched as she tried to absorb what he just disclosed.

Kensi stood up and was now wide eyed in shock.

He quickly followed her. "That's... That's why I followed you. That's what I was going to tell you."

Tears slid down Kensi's face, realization finally dawned on her.

Deeks wordlessly took steps closer her, stopping on her front. Lifting both of his hands, he reached her face and wiped her tears away.


	6. Chapter 6

"D-Deeks." Kensi mumbled his name, eyes closed as she reveled on his touch. She can feel his fingers, with the gentleness she never thought he had, lightly wiping her tears away.

"I-I'm not asking you to do anything, I know you're marrying him no matter what. I-I just don't want you to think, not even for a second, that I can forget you."

Kensi slowly fluttered her eyes open and her heart broke more at the sight before her. Deeks' face was filled with sorrow, his baby blues were teary as he gazed at her with all the love he had for her. Kensi couldn't take it anymore, her arms flew around him, hugging him with all the love she had for him. Even with the foam collar she still had on her neck, she was able to convey how much she grief with him. More tears flowed from her eyes.

"For 4 years of not seeing you, of not being with you even as a friend, a moment didn't pass by that I never thought of you, of what you've probably been doing, of how you are. Are you happy? Do you still get sick when the weather changes? Do you still sleep late at night? Do you still have your morning donut craving?" Deeks uttered as he returned her embrace, his hand caressing her hair tenderly. "So don't you ever think that I will find somebody else because I've known long ago that my heart belongs to you."

 _My heart belongs to you too._ Kensi wanted to say those words but for what? She was marrying Jack, haven't she hurt him enough? There was no need to put salt on his wound. She reluctantly removed herself from his embrace. "I'm sorry." She was apologetic to him for many reasons but it was for breaking his heart that she was the sorriest.

"I know." He whispered, resignation in his voice. He had long ago accepted the reality that Kensi wasn't his to love more than as a friend. "All my life, all I wanted was to see you happy even if I'm not the reason that you are."

Jack entered their dimly lit living room quietly, not wanting to disturb his fiancée thinking she might be asleep on the couch. Kensi had a penchant of waiting for his return from the hospital and had often times fell in stupor while doing it. But tonight was different, he spotted her awake, sitting on edge of the sofa, looking so lost.

"Honey." He called in a hushed tone, taking a seat beside her.

"J-Jack?"

Remembering her previous accident, he carefully enclosed her in an embrace. "What is it?"

"Nothing." She said but pressed herself more in his arms.

"I'm sorry I'm late."

"It's okay. You're here now, I'll be okay."

He was combing her hair with his fingers while watching her rest. When Kensi fell asleep in his arms, he gingerly carried her to their bedroom and laid her lithe body in the bed before covering her with a blanket. He sat down beside her, his back on the headrest, eyes on her, studying her carefully.

Jack noticed streaks of dried tear on her cheeks, a crease was fixed on her forehead. It had been a while since he last saw her this sad, not since... No, he didn't need to go there. He took a deep breath, ignoring the turmoil building at the pit of his stomach.

Since he was young, Jack had already known what he wanted to do in his life. He desired to be a doctor like his father. He sought love, love that was strong and powerful. When he met Kensi, she immediately caught his interest. She was pretty, that was a given but there was something more, something he can't define at a tender age of 8.

Then they grew up and Jack was able to identify what made her different from all the other girls he knew. He loved her. It was love all along, a feeling he very much welcomed. He loved Kensi and was convinced that she was the only woman for him. Jack had never needed anyone more than he needed her. Just the thought of losing her sent him into agitation. He made decisions based on the notion of living a life not having her, resolves that broke the hearts of two people he most cared about.

* * *

 _"How long have we been friends?"_

 _Deeks' brows furrowed at his best friend's inquiry. He received a text message from him earlier that day telling him that they need to talk. He wasn't surprised with Jack's message but he felt strange that they have to do it at the lake where he almost lost his life if it weren't for him who came to his rescue._

 _"We've known each other since preschool, so... more or less 12 years?"_

 _"12 years..."_

 _"What's going on Jack?" His interest was killing him._

 _"When I saved your life not too long ago you told me that if I wanted anything from you, all I have to do is tell you about it." Jack reminded him, his tone was serious._

 _And Deeks was not the one who forgets._

 _It happened 2 years ago at that very lake. They went swimming with their classmates one weekend. Deeks considered himself a good swimmer so he wasn't scared when he glided away from the edge and onto the center. He didn't get that far when he felt spasm on his leg. He tried going back to the shallow part but he can barely move. Putting his hands on the air, he hoped one of his companions can see him before he drown._

 _Fortunately for him, Jack, who was also busy talking to their friends, spotted Deeks struggling. Speedily, he swam to him, reaching him before he sank. His best friend dragged him across the shore and towards the land, saving his life in the process._

 _It was then that he promised him those words._

 _"I can clearly remember it."_

 _"I'm going to ask Kensi to be my girlfriend." Jack disclosed._

 _Deeks felt his heart skipped a beat at what he heard._

 _His best friend stared at him intently. "Can you not act on your feelings for her?"_

 _He laughed, trying to disregard the fact that Jack knew about his feelings for Kensi, a secret he thought he kept well hidden._

 _"I know you love her too." Jack said matter-of-factly. "And... I don't want you to tell her anything about it."_

 _Deeks was now confused. "Why?"_

 _"I will not answer that. I just want to know if you can do it."_

 _He contemplated. Uncomfortable silence fell as he did._

 _He loved Kensi, Jack was right about that. But Deeks never admitted it to anyone. Heck, he even entered into relationships trying to forget it. He wasn't ready to face the truth that he was in love, and not just to anyone, he was in love with Kensi, his best friend, the girl he knew since she was 6._

 _And now, Jack admitted that he, too, have feelings for her and was planning on confessing it to her. Deeks was torn between keeping his promise and following his heart. He knew a decision must be made but he wasn't sure what it will be._

 _"You don't have to worry about it." He spoke after a while as dark eyes gazed at him weighing his words. "It's just a crush. She's pretty, I admit. But you know me, I prefer blondes." He tried to sound as unconcerned as he can._

 _"And you want me to buy that crap?" Jack grunted, obviously didn't believe his statement._

 _"What more do you want from me?!" He questioned in controlled anger, running his fingers through his hair in frustration, eager to get over with this predicament the soonest._

 _Jack fell silent. When he finally got what Deeks was doing, a small smile graced his face. "Thank you."_

 _Unspoken and unwritten agreement was settled at that very moment._

 _Deeks let out a breath of surrender. "Just... Just make her happy."_

* * *

Deeks' voice that time was the saddest he had ever heard of him, Jack recalled.

All these years, he knew how Kensi feels for Deeks. Jack had been a witness on how her eyes lit whenever she was with the blonde haired man, how she tried to hide her pain every time they meet Deeks' newest girlfriend and how she let out a breath of relief after learning that they broke up. Jack saw it all. What he didn't expect was how oblivious Deeks had been in all of those. For a man who was supposed to be sensitive to his love's actions, Deeks was blind to Kensi's real emotions.

And he took advantage of it. It wasn't the proudest decision he made but he loved her. So much that he was willing to do everything to make her his. Knowing that he had no chance on Kensi's heart if she learned that Deeks loved her, Jack asked his very best friend not to confess how he feels for her discerning that the blonde man would do what he asked him to.

Jack loved Kensi that's why when he admitted it to her, he was ready, no matter how long it would take, to prove to her how serious he was. But he was astonished that she didn't need convincing from him, she accepted his love no questions asked. And he became the happiest.

He promised himself to love her with all he has, to wait for her until she had forgotten her feelings for Deeks, to make her happy like his best friend requested him to.

So he loved her with his everything.

So he thought he waited enough.

So he did his best to make her happy.

Looking at her now, even in sleep he can tell how distressed she was, the only sure thing he accomplished was loved her. Because no matter how long he waited, Kensi had never forgotten Deeks. Because no matter how much he tried, he couldn't make her happy.

But he couldn't let her go, he wasn't strong enough to do that.


	7. Chapter 7

The bar was crowded and a lively music was playing. He sighted few people on the dance floor swaying, following the tune of the song. He saw them right away as he walked in. The man, his arm draped on her shoulder, was throwing light kisses on her hair. The woman with a fixed smile on her face, clearly enjoying his gesture, tilted her head more to him. Deeks watched them as they talk animatedly to the birthday celebrant.

"Deeks!" Eloise, the birthday celebrant and one of their high school friends, spotted him.

Forcing a smile, he headed towards them, witnessing how Kensi stiffened upon hearing his name but managed to spare him a glance.

This was the first time they see each other again after their last talk. He succeeded on evading her for the past week like he wanted, not going to the places he presumed she will be at. And if he hadn't seen Eloise at the supermarket earlier today and was insisted that he comes to her party, his avoidance would be perfect, Deeks would be back in LA without even catching a glimpse of her. Not that he will not see Kensi again, he will at her wedding day 6 months from now. Jack wanted him to be the best man and he agreed thinking it will be the appropriate closure to make for him and Kensi. He wasn't surprised with the offer since he was their closest friend.

Almost 2 weeks had already passed since his return. Deeks didn't realize how much he missed the place. Years of living alone in LA was lonely and if it wasn't for his job, he'll probably went back earlier. He missed their small town and everything in it, especially Kensi. He longed for the days he gets to spend time with her, the things they do together, their celebrations of holidays and special occasions.

But things were different now, Deeks knew it. He discerned that for his own sanity's sake, he had to move on. It's a must for him. Living your life with the hope that you can go back in time and change all those foolish decisions you made was senseless. He just didn't know how to start. All these years that Deeks spent each and every day secretly loving her, it already became a part of his life. And trying to do the opposite now, he was clueless as how to even begin.

"Happy birthday!" He kissed the redhead on the cheek.

"You're late! You made me doubt my convincing power for a second there, Deeks." Eloise kidded.

He grinned and turned to Kensi and Jack.

The three traded hellos. Kensi and Deeks both were doing their best to act nonchalantly to each other.

"I'm pretty sure you're as excited as me that finally, after long years of waiting, we'll get to see these two finally doing it, huh?" Eloise asked.

"Yeah. I'm happy for them."

"How about you? Don't you have special someone right now? Because if you don't, I have few friends I can introduce you with."

Kensi's ears perked up as she gazed at him, waiting for his reply.

"I'm as free as a bird." He answered. _First step to moving on._

Eloise's face brightened. "That's good news. I can't wait for you to meet them."

A slow song started playing, Jack was about to take Kensi's hand and lead her to the dance floor when Eloise took his hand instead.

"Come on, you two! You're getting married already, can you at least separate for a while? It's my birthday, dance with me first Jack! Let Deeks take Kensi." She didn't wait for his reply and grab Jack.

 _Every night,_

 _Every day_

 _You're the one I always dream of_

 _Every line of your face_

 _Is sketched so plain inside my heart_

Kensi and Deeks were left standing awkwardly, trying to look anywhere but at each other.

 _You've grown so deep inside of me_

 _You're everything I feel and see_

 _And you're the one, you're the one I love_

Kensi saw him lift his hand and offered it to her. She looked at him in wonder and he smiled encouraging her to take it. His face lightened up when she did. They walked, hands together, towards the dance floor.

 _All my life,_

 _All my love_

 _I can feel when you're beside me_

 _All that's right,_

 _All that's wrong_

 _Suddenly becomes so clear_

Deeks gently placed his hands on her waist while Kensi settled hers on his shoulders. Eyes locked on each other, they began dancing.

 _My heart has overtaken me_

 _With feelings you awake in me_

 _And you're the one,_

 _You're the one I love_

"I'm leaving tomorrow. My flight will be at dawn."

Kensi's eyes widen in surprise. She knew he came back for a vacation but she didn't expect he'll leave that soon. "When… When will you be back?"

Deeks shook his head. "I am not coming back." _Second step to moving on._

 _Only you could move me enough to believe in love one more time_

 _All I need to know for tomorrow is that you're mine_

 _Mine for a lifetime_

"W-What do you mean you're not?" Kensi asked in near panic.

"Jack told me your wedding will be in Hawaii, I'll see you there then. But I-I won't be coming back here."

"D-Don't..." Kensi shook her head, her voice cracked when she realized why he was doing it.

"Please, Kensi. I-I have…Let me do this. I need to do this."

 _If our friends all around_

 _Find it hard to understand us_

 _You and I understand the other one so very well_

"H-How about Roberta?"

"My mom can always visit me." He answered, trying his best to smile.

Kensi's eyes watered as she gazed at him. He looked so shattered and she was to blame. Closing her eyes, she took several deep breaths trying her best not to break. She leaned on him and rested her head in the crook of his neck. "I-I'm so sorry, Deeks."

 _And that's what I've been looking for_

 _So I keep coming back for more_

 _'Cause you're the one,_

 _You're the one I love_

Kensi knew there was no way that they can go back to what they once were. So many things have changed, so many emotions were shown and revealed. And when she thought of it, not seeing Deeks again was perhaps the best for everyone. In the end, it broke her heart that it was him who have to forego so she can be with Jack.

Imagining the next time and most probably the last time she will see him again was the day she was going to marry his best friend, Kensi's heart broke more.

"It'll be okay, Kensi. It'll be okay." Deeks whispered in her ear when he heard her soft sob.

 _You're the one, you're the one I love_

* * *

 **6 months later / Maui, Hawaii**

Kensi's face lightened when she sighted the man who was striding towards her. A wide smile formed on her lips as he stopped right in front of her. "Deeks." Without reservations, she wrapped her arms around him.

"Kensalina." He whispered her name, his tone pleased and contented, as he returned her embrace.

"Deeks."

He let go of her to turn to the man standing next to her who called his name. "Jack."

Kensi watched as Deeks and Jack do their brotherly hug, her smile never leaving her face. She was more than glad to see her 2 best friends in one room again.

True to his words, Deeks did not return to their town. According to Roberta, who visited Deeks twice for the past 6 months in LA, the blonde man kept himself busy at work, doing undercover missions more frequently than before. Kensi worried for him, knowing the danger that comes from being a cop. He may never be more than just a friend to her but he was still her best friend, nothing can change that.

Their meeting was cut short by the appearance of a woman they hired to be their wedding coordinator informing them that the rehearsal was about to begin and the couple was needed somewhere else to be.

"We'll talk later again, Deeks." Jack said, giving his best man a pat on his shoulder before leading Kensi to the front of the hotel ballroom.

Before starting to leave with her fiancé, Kensi glanced at Deeks and was about to bid him goodbye but before she can do, she saw him offering her a gentle nod silently assuring her everything is okay, she returned it with a small smile.

The couple left, leaving Deeks alone, his eyes following them.

* * *

She was restless, tossing and turning around the bed for the nth time now. She had been trying to sleep lying in the bed for what seemed like an eternity already. When she glanced at the clock on the nightstand, she was surprised to see that it was only 10 in the evening.

The dinner rehearsal ended at 9 and Jack insisted that it was time for her to take a rest and even joked that he didn't want his bride to look like a zombie tomorrow. She would argue but he was adamant. He even escorted her to her room. They were keeping the wedding tradition of not seeing each other before the ceremony on so they reserved 2 separate rooms, Jack occupies the room opposite hers.

Realizing sleep won't come anytime soon, she bolted upright in the bed and decided to have a late night walk outside. She changed from her nightwear to what she wore earlier at the rehearsal and left the room.

Tugging the bottom of her long yellow dress with her left hand while the other held her sandals, Kensi strode towards the shore in bare feet. Her hair was billowing following the movements of the gentle breeze. She felt a little cold with the thin straps of her dress only protecting her from the chilled air but she ignored it.

She let out a squeal while shuddering when the water touched her feet. Releasing a deep breath, she closed her eyes and lifted her head up high. She inhaled and exhaled slowly, savoring the calmness her surroundings was bringing her.

She was anxious and she thought it was normal given that this was her last night as a single woman. Tomorrow she will marry Jack and they will build a life together as husband and wife.

With eyes still close, she smiled positively, ignoring how things have changed between her and Jack for the past months. She tried to stay optimistic but knew there was something wrong with her fiancé. He was still the loving and caring Jack she knew but their relationship became more platonic as the wedding neared. Kensi can feel that he still loved her but there was something missing in their relationship that she can't pinpoint.

She shook her head, thinking she was just being paranoid.

Opening her eyes, she saw knee high waves coming near her. She tried to run but the water already caught her legs making her stumble on the ground, wetting her dress and shoes.

She laughed. For the first time in so long, Kensi let out genuine laughs.

"I'm crazy!" She shook her head in between giggles.

She tried pulling herself up but at no expense. Her laughter was making her weak.

Suddenly two arms snaked around her waist helping her to stand up.

"Are you drunk?" The very familiar voice asked her. She hinted amusement in his voice.

As soon as she was vertical, the arms left her body and she felt bereft.

Kensi wrung the hem of her dress, getting rid of the excess water. "I wished. But no, I'm not drunk Deeks." Her reply was followed by her famous eye roll.

It was his turn to laugh. "Well, you look like o- Ouch!" Kensi's fist hit him on the arm.

"I think you could use some help."

"By hitting me?" He asked incredulously.

Kensi just shrugged her shoulders.

"What are you doing here?" Deeks asked her, concern in his voice. He extended his hand for her to take.

Kensi took it with no hesitation and they started walking away from the water to the dry sand. "I can't sleep."

"Where's Jack?"

"In his room, probably." When Kensi saw him gazed at her in question, she explained. "We're not going to see each other until the ceremony tomorrow."

Deeks nodded. "Should I get you back to your room?"

"No. I think I'll stay here for a while." She sat her body on the ground, not caring if all the sand got stuck on it.

"Maybe you want to be alone so I'll get going then. Goodnight, Kensi. See you tomorrow." Before he can take a step, he felt Kensi's hand on his arm as she reached for him.

Deeks eyed her with curiosity, she whispered nervously. "Don't go."

"Kensi?"

Plastering a forced smile, she spoke. "We will not be seeing each other again after tomorrow, right?"

Her best friend slowly nodded.

She cleared her throat, searching the confidence she needed at the moment. "C-Can I spend just a few more minutes with you? I-I missed you."


	8. Chapter 8

Deeks can feel her eyes gazing at him longingly but he didn't turn. He chose to lift his head towards the dark starry night, eyeing the vast space above them with a stoic face. When he left his room moments ago, he decided to walk along the shore for a while hoping to find the sleepiness that seemed so scarce that night. A woman in a yellow dress caught his eyes immediately. Deeks heard her laughter as she was trying to stand up only to be pulled back in the shallow water by the waves. With a shake of his head, he strode headed towards her and helped her up. He didn't smell alcohol from Kensi so he knew she wasn't drunk but was acting like one.

He knew he should have left when she asked him to stay. It was a dangerous time for him, spending this moment with her no matter how short it may be. But he couldn't. The illogical part of him, the one who wouldn't want to let go, desired to spend what time he has left with her. Deeks spent 6 months in various undercover assignments trying not to count the days that he will see Kensi again knowing it will be the last time he will witness her smiles, the thing he loved the most in her. Disregarding his rational side, he plopped down next to her and they have been silent since then, content with just hearing each other breathing.

"Do you remember the first time we met?"

Kensi's soft voice made him glance at her. She was smiling at him, expecting him to answer.

"It happened 20 years ago." His reply. Images of her who was 6 year old then came to his mind. "You were wearing the same color dress. I instantly thought you were a princess like Beauty from Beauty and the Beast." He said followed by a chuckle.

"So you're the Beast to my Beauty then?" She teased before she can comprehend what her words will bring to him.

"I wished."

Deeks saw her stand up hastily, remorse was present in her face. "I'm sorry." He heard her say.

He followed her just as quickly, stopping on her front and placing his hands on her shoulders. "Don't. Stop it, Kensi." He reached for her cheek, turning her face for him to see. "You don't need to apologize. There's nothing to be sorry for. I made my decision, you made yours. We have to a-accept it and be happy about it." He said with pretend conviction, more for his own sake than to hers.

"Must we, Deeks?" Kensi asked him, her tears were beginning to fall down her face. "When Jack asked me to be his girlfriend and you told me he cares for me and I deserve him for he will never hurt me, I trusted you. Your words, they meant everything to me up to now. So tell me please, must we accept what's going on now and be happy with it? Is this how everything is supposed to be? Tell me, Deeks. Please."

Deeks choked on his words, he didn't know what to say to the woman crying in front of him. Her eyes were pleading to him and he can feel his knees starting to weaken.

"Because if everything is how it supposed to be, why am I hurting so badly? Why does my heart won't stop aching for you? Tell me please, I want to know." She added.

He didn't know why he did it. Maybe it was her tears, her begging voice or how she was showing him her feelings but Deeks wound one arm around his waist and pulled her close to him while the other was on the back of her head, tilting it so he can kiss her.

He sensed Kensi's surprise when his lips landed on hers but it didn't take long, a second later Deeks can feel her starting to respond to his assault. She began kissing him back with the same passion and need as he does. She wrapped her arms around his neck, settling her hands on his nape as she pressed herself against his more. Years of pent up love for each other, they kissed with eagerness and hunger that only the two of them can understand. The need to breath pulled their faces apart but not their hold. Forehead to forehead, they took a much needed air.

Kensi felt him moved and suddenly she felt cold and empty. When she opened her eyes, she panicked to see Deeks, his back already on her, walking away from her.

"Deeks!" She called his name but he never looked back. "Deeks!"

Kensi followed him with hasty steps, almost tripping down just to reach him. She caught his arm and pulled him to stop. "Deeks."

"I'm sorry Kensi. That should have never happened, I don't know what go into me. I'm sorry."

She shook her head in disbelief. "After all this time you still can't find a way to fight for me." Her voice was filled with pain.

"You don't understand."

"Make me understand, Deeks! Why? Why kiss me only to tell me you're sorry it happened?"

"I can't."

"You love me."

"I do."

"Why can't you be with me?"

Deeks was avoiding her stare and her shoulders fell in defeat when he didn't answer.

"Your love, it isn't enough to be with me." She tried concluding but was having a hard time comprehending his action. She knew he loved her, she felt it in his hold, in his kiss. But for some reason he didn't want to be with her.

"I'm sorry, Kensi." His only whisper as he turned his back on her once more and began striding back to the hotel leaving Kensi alone crying while whispering his name.

"Deeks..."

* * *

"Kensi."

"J-Jack?"

She wiped her tears away when she heard a knock on the door followed by Jack's soft voice from the outside. She glanced at the clock on the nightstand and saw that it was already past midnight. Willing herself up, Kensi headed to the closed door and opened it for him.

"I-I need to see you." He said as soon as he saw her, not waiting for her question.

"How about the tradition?" She asked curiously though she no longer care about that.

Jack gave him a small yet nervous smile. "Don't worry we're not breaking any tradition, Kensi."

She wanted him to explain his reply but she no longer have the energy to ask him. She was tired and numb. Ever since she got back to her room after being left by Deeks on the beach, Kensi spent the entire time on her bed weeping. She saw him studying her appearance, noticing how terrible she looked with her eyes all red and swollen but he didn't mention and she didn't care. She was sure he knew there was something with her. She even expected him to pry but was surprised that he didn't.

Jack entered her room and sat on the edge of the bed while she remained standing, her back on the closed door, eyes on her fiancé.

Kensi was staring at him, taking in how sad he seemed to be. Nervousness starting to creep in her. When he patted the space next to him, she joined him without question but hesitantly.

"Jack?"

He took her hands with his and caught her eyes. "I-I love you, Kensi. I want you to remember that. Nothing and no one can change that." He began. "I am not the man you think I am. You always believe that I am someone who would do no harm but you're wrong. I made mistakes Kensi and it brought you so much pain."

"W-What are you saying?"

Kensi felt his grip tightened on her.

"I know. I know your feelings for him. I know how much you love him but I chose to ignore it."

Kensi felt her heart stopped a beat. _He knew? For years, he knew._

"I know how he feels about you, how much he loves you but I made him not to tell you about it. All because I wanted you to be mine."

She didn't know what to do with what she heard. "J-Jack..."

"When you agreed to be my girlfriend, I promised to love you with everything I have, to wait until you've forgotten your feelings for him, to make you happy because that's what he asked of me. I know I failed the last two because no matter how long it passed, you're still in love with Deeks, because despite how you pretend to be happy, I know you never were. But I still held on to my love for you, thinking I'm giving it my all. But I was wrong. I never loved you with my everything..."

Kensi saw how he was trying to hold back his tears and a part of her wanted feel sorry for him.

"Because if I have truly loved you with my all, I wouldn't have waited up to this moment to let you go. I shouldn't have ignore the truth that I am not the man for you and never will be. I'm sorry, Kensi. For everything. For tricking you into being with me. For asking Deeks to give you up. For being selfish."

Kensi's eyes were wide in shock. _He asked Deeks to give me up?_

Jack knelt down before her, his hold never leaving hers as tears escaped his eyes.

"I-I wanted to hate you." She whispered. "But I can't. I love you, Jack."

Jack nodded. "I know. I, for once, never doubted your love for me but we both know it's not enough. It will never be enough because you're not in love with me."

She can feel her tears wetting her face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't be the woman for you, Jack. I tried. I want you to know that I tried my hardest."

"I know, Kensi. I know."

"I would have marry you but it'll be wrong. Like my decision to be with you." She took a deep breath before continuing. "I have wanted Deeks for so long I can remember but never found the courage to tell him that because I was afraid. Scared of him hurting me. When you told me you like me and Deeks convinced me that you care for me, I agreed to be your girlfriend. Not because I like you the same but because with you, I don't need to be afraid. Because you are the only constant thing in my life. I'm sorry if I entered our relationship for all the wrong reasons. You're not the only one who was selfish, Jack." She admitted. For the first time, Kensi acknowledged her mistakes.

"I love you, Kensi and this time I can say that I have loved you with everything I have. I love you enough to let you go and be with Deeks. You are meant to be together in the first place. I'm sorry I stood in your way. I'm sorry it took me this long to let you go." He slowly pulled himself up and kissed her forehead.

Kensi closed her eyes and reveled on his gesture.

"I want you to know that you made me happy, Kensi. In the ten years of our relationship I have been the happiest. But it's about time I stop thinking only about myself. I love you, don't forget it." He whispered in her hair.

Kensi watched him as he walked through the door. With his shoulders shaking, she can tell he was crying and she can only cry with him.


	9. Chapter 9

_Seconds after Deeks left Kensi on the beach_

He was walking fast, as fast as he can, away from her. Deeks pulled every energy he had not to look back and see her crying. He was mad at himself for leaving Kensi in tears. Once again she saw how much of a coward he was. She was asking him why can't he fight for her, for them and what did he do? He left her. He turned his back on her and left her.

 _Damn!_ He yelled to himself in anguish.

He was almost at the hotel door when his eyes caught Jack looking at him with an unreadable face. Deeks realized his best friend just witnessed what transpired between him and Kensi. Without a word, the dark haired man turned around and he silently followed.

* * *

"I'm not sorry." Deeks uttered whilst swirling the bottle of beer in his hand. "I know I should have been but I'm not."

He saw Jack raised an eyebrow at his statement.

The best friends ended up in the hotel bar. Both were seated on the counter stool, each with a beer in hand, neither one was talking. Deeks knew Jack saw him kissing his fiancée but he didn't feel any remorse with it. If he was going to be honest about it, he loved it. Every second that Kensi's lips were locked on his felt right, like it was meant to be, like it should have happened a long time ago.

"I love her. It never changed. No matter how many years has passed, no matter how I tried not to, I still love her." He turned his eyes on his best friend. "And she loves me."

Deeks carefully studied his best friend's face and saw that he immediately avoided his gaze.

"I've known for quite a while of her feelings for me. And it didn't take me long to realize the reason you never wanted me to tell her how I feel about her is because you knew. All these years you knew how much she loves me." Deeks' voice voided any feelings but his grip on the beer tightened, reflecting his true emotion.

Thinking Kensi's pained face when he left her moments ago, he wanted to punch Jack. Does he know how she was hurting? Does he realize how selfish he had been all this time, tilting the situation in his favor and in return causing so much pain for the person he claimed he loved?

"I tried to understand where you are coming from in all of these but can't you see what you have done, what you have been doing?"

Jack threw him an angry glare. "Don't you think I don't know it? Don't you think I don't know that from the very beginning Kensi will never love me the way she loves you? 10 years, Deeks. I've been with her for 10 years and not a single day I didn't try to make her forget about you. For 10 years that every time I will look at her, all I can see was how she was doing her best to love me but to no avail. No matter what, she loves you."

Deeks can clearly see that the man next to him was hurting and for the first time, he pitied him. He had been jealous of Jack's life. Jack had a complete family, Deeks' father was a no show in his life. Jack need not to worry about his future for his parents had already secured it for him financially. Deeks had to work double shifts as a waiter to help his mother put him to college. Jack had Kensi. Deeks felt he was in debt to his best friend that the need to give up the only woman he fell in love with was justified.

But looking at Jack now, he didn't want to be him. He may only have a mother but Roberta made sure that he won't be feeling something was lacking at his life growing up without a father. He may work double time all his life to have all the material things Jack has but Kensi loved him. From the mouth of his very best friend, no matter what Kensi loved him. And that alone was enough for Deeks to feel the luckiest.

"I was a fool." Jack painfully admitted. "Thinking that if she became mine, she will be mine a hundred percent. That in time her heart will belong to me. That if I stayed with her and never let her go she will forget about you and learn to love me like she loves you." He let out a dry laugh before continuing. "A guy can dream, right?"

Deeks was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "Jac-"

"Don't." Jack immediately stopped him. "I did this to myself. It's hard to let go of someone you consider the reason you are breathing but I don't know what else to do. I don't think there is something I can still do." He said, resignation in his voice.

Minutes have passed in silence before Jack stood up from his position. "Love her." He whispered. "Love her like she loves you. She deserves it."

Deeks' eyes widen in shock at his best friend's words.

"I can't make her happy. The only thing you asked me to do, I can't do it. She loves you, Deeks. And she wishes it's you she is marrying tomorrow." With that, Jack turned around. Before he took a step, he looked back at him. "You are a great friend, Deeks. And I'm sorry. I really am." Jack left Deeks who was contemplating flabbergastedly at what had been said between them.

* * *

"Marry me."

Kensi turned her head around to see Deeks standing at her already open door. Sitting on the stool of her dresser, her eyes were fixed on the beautiful wedding dress she was supposed to wear hours from now that she didn't see him walked inside.

Deeks knew she was still in shock at Jack's admission and their cancelled wedding but he couldn't wait any longer to be with her. He took careful steps towards her and knelt before the only woman he wanted to be with. He gently enclosed her hands with his. "Marry me, Kensi. I can't give you all the things that he can. Sometimes I will fall short but I promise you this, I will love you. I will be there for you always. I will try my very best to be the husband you deserve." He was beginning to feel nervous when he noticed she remained silent. Kensi looked calm at his proposal."K-Kensi?"

When tears started falling down her pretty face, Deeks immediately but gently wiped them away. There was a churning feeling growing at the pit of his stomach, he suddenly became nervous and unsure. Had it been too soon? She just broke up with her fiancé, how can he asked her to marry him? What if she wasn't ready? They have never even been on a date, what makes him think that she will agree to be his wife that very moment?

All his fretful thoughts disappeared when he heard her words.

Smiling, Kensi asked. "What took you so long?"

* * *

A/N: I'm still here. :)

Should this be the end? I'll be okay if this ends here.

Thank you for your wonderful words.


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